LADOS ( Life After Death of Spouse)

By Chris Waschle & Joanne Patterson, Co-Chairs, Widowed Persons Service

DMARC Program Provides Comfort for the Widowed

"in sickness and health, ‘til death do us part." Most couples say or agree to this sentiment or something similar during their wedding, without much thought what the impact of those realities might be. However, whether the death follows an illness or is a sudden death, spouses are rarely prepared for it, or the struggles experienced in grief.

Widowed persons discovered long ago that their greatest help came from being in the company of empathetic, sensitive people who care and who are willing to share their grief experiences. And so, LADOS was borne in Des Moines almost three decades ago. LADOS is the acronym for Life After Death of Spouse. Widowed men and women of all ages meet monthly to compassionately and practically encourage one another to grieve in their individual unique way. Additionally and equally as important to those who attend is the focus on redefining one’s future and encouraging the participants to embrace their ‘now’ life.

A Swedish proverb says it well: "Shared joy is double joy; shared sorrow is half sorrow!"

Programs for LADOS are designed to offer solace, comfort and guidance through the myriad of emotions experienced. Speakers, most often widowed, address one of these topics: understanding and reconciling grief; loneliness and aloneness; emotions of guilt, anger, anxiety and fear; resolving unfinished issues; the ongoing paper blitz and finances; taking care of oneself – tears and laughter are both healing; authentic remembering; anticipating holidays and other special days and other topics. As part of the program, after the presentation, facilitated small group discussions open the opportunity for people to share experiences and feelings. The exchange of ideas has aided many in making appropriate decisions. Out of respect for one another all communication is confidential, although no one is ever required to share unless he/she wishes. The role of LADOS is to respectfully support participants’ efforts to courageously endure their suffering and to provide the care and connection found in a mutual help experience which aids in making life meaningful again.

Along with the intensity of the feelings, LADOS participants dispel these common misunderstandings about living with grief:

-That "it" normally lasts 6-12 weeks.

- That staying "busy" is the best way to handle grief.

- That time takes care of grief.

- That crying is a sign of weakness.

- That grief is a private matter.

- That everyone grieves the same.

- That men are not as affected as women.

- That grievers should forget the past and "get on with life."

Meetings are the second Sunday of every month at 7:00 p.m. Plymouth Congregational Church at 42^nd and Ingersoll, graciously made space available for the first LADOS meeting and has continued for every subsequent meeting. There are no dues or fees, however, LADOS has been fortunate to be supported by DMARC, and the AARP Widowed Persons Service/Grief and Loss Program. The Jewish Federation of Greater Des Moines, Des Moines Unit of Retired Teachers, and Hospice of Central Iowa have also been supportive of LADOS. There have been numerous trained volunteers who have very ably given untold hours of leadership to fellow bereaved people. The current co-coordinators of LADOS are Joanne Patterson, Chris Waschle and Eunice Hofmeyer. LADOS welcomes new volunteers to assist in mailing, phone calls, record keeping; call Eunice at 276-9242 for more information.

The LADOS meetings not only afford the bereaved insightful and informative principles of grief, but also a tremendous opportunity to establish meaningful long-lasting friendships. Visiting over refreshments after the meetings many times results in get-togethers and groups. The following are open to all widowed people and have been on-going for many years: Wednesday 5:00 p.m. Meet to Eat at Baker’s Cafeteria on Hickman; Saturday Breakfast at Dahl’s, 36^th and University; One-der-full Weekends at Pilgrim Heights Camp near Montour, in the spring and the fall. Become acquainted with people from a variety of places in Iowa. The fall "FUN DAY" scheduled October 25 and 26^th is a respite for relaxation, fun, sharing and laughter…all widowed people are welcome…regardless of how long you’ve been widowed. Call Ken at 246-0229 for more information.

Grieving the death of a loved one is a natural and uniquely personal process, however, we recognize that incomplete recovery can have a lifelong effect on a person’s capacity for happiness. Those who have been a part of the LADOS leadership have a distinct privilege in helping in some measure more than 250 people each year to activate their own healing process. According to noted author and therapist Dr. Alla Renee Bozarth" "Grief is a passion to endure. People can be stricken with it, victims of it, stuck in it. Or – they can meet it, work through it, and become quiet victors through the active, honest and courageous process of grieving." LADOS is here to "half" it!

For additional information about LADOS, you may call the DMARC office at 277-6969.

In the past year we have grieved as a nation and we will remember the many lives and families that were affected by the crashing of four planes. As in every community, daily lives are disrupted by the death of a loved one and the necessity for ongoing grief support appropriately can come from a wide variety of providers. Iowa AARP Grief and Loss Program will be hosting a community service program Nov. 21 in Johnston for persons involved in serving the bereaved and others who might benefit from learning more about grief issues. The thrust of the program will be strategies and resources for supporting people in grief. Dr. Elizabeth Harper Neeld, author and consultant is the main speaker.